Just Jim--raising a unique child

I often find myself talking to people about how difficult it is to raise a child who is very smart and/or creative. These children are just a little different than other kids and many times don’t “fit in” with others. Let’s face it, parenting in general is hard, it is a full-time job. When the child doesn't fit into the mold of what everyone thinks of as “normal,” it is just that much harder. Many people in the child’s life, like teachers, administrators, etc., want to label the problems the child is having...or more accurately, the problems they are having with the child...as some psychological disorder or syndrome. ADD, ADHD, autism, Asberger’s, antisocial, oppositional defiance. That last one is my favorite...it just sounds like they are calling the kid a brat, which he may be. Do you need a diagnosis to see a kid is a brat?

In my opinion, too many parents take the word of the first person that puts a label on their child that makes sense to them. But if they heard other opinions, those might make sense too. To diagnose a child too young and start treatments too early that are only for that one possibility is, again just in my humble opinion, a mistake. I think it is important to get several opinions, treat the symptoms while keeping open other possibilities, and wait to see how things progress as the child grows and learns which behaviors are acceptable and which aren't. I also think medication is very rarely needed in a child. I would go so far to say that I think no more than 5% of children that are diagnosed with one of these psychological disorders or syndromes actually have it. Pablo Picasso exhibited signs of autism or at least Asbergers syndrome when he was a small child. What would treating him for it have done...maybe nothing bad, maybe something good...but would you want to take that chance? Why do so many parents search for a reason their child isn’t “normal”?  Why can’t it just be that the child is not like everyone else because he is just unique?

While I am by no means any kind of expert or even possess any kind of schooling for these opinions of mine, I do speak from my own isolated experience, so let me tell you about my son. When he was little, just starting to talk, he expressed disapproval with people changing the way they say his name by saying “No. Just Jim” (you know how people play around and say things like Jimbo, Jiminy, etc. to kid around). Now that he is a man in college, I wonder if that statement showed an insight into his own personality. From very early in his public school education, my husband and I would get called to school several times a year. There were meetings, behavioral modification plans, suspensions, and requests for counseling. I had many discussions, consultations, and even arguments with several teachers, administrators, school counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists. Each time I allowed testing but no diagnosis or medication. Everything had to go through me if they wanted any kind of treatment. Year after year, some behaviors would improve and others would emerge. Even my husband and I wondered sometimes if there wasn't a disorder there somewhere, but we kept to our guns and just dealt with each problem as it came up. Of course, being the age of Columbine and other school shootings, we had to deal with the “no tolerance” policies and the knee-jerk reactions to what used to be considered “boys will be boys” behavior. So, he had to learn that he couldn't just say things in this day and age, and we had to deal with taking him to several doctors and even drug tests. We heard all the possibilities of all the things I listed above that could be causing the behavior, and we continued to raise him as if it was the 1970s and boys will be boys and teaching him appropriate behaviors. Well, after 12 years of all this and getting to know my son better than any teacher or school administrator ever will, and after several years of counseling mostly to satisfy the schools, we got the final word from a board certified psychiatrist. He has no disorder and never did. He has no syndrome and never did. He doesn't care for society’s rules and thinks he knows better than at least 99% of the people around him. Diagnosis: it’s just his personality. He is a wonderful person; very empathetic; very, very intelligent; creative; and sometimes in his own world. In short, he is, always was, and probably always will be...Just Jim.

Through the Eyes of a Child

I know a lot of people worry about telling their children about MS once they are diagnosed. Common thoughts of "how much will they understand?" "will they be scared?" "can they handle it?" and other frightening things run through their minds. I remember when I went through that. My kids were 9 and 7. My husband and I sat down with them and told them we had to discuss something important. Very serious family meeting if you can imagine. I took a deep breath and told them the doctor said I have a disease called multiple sclerosis, MS for short. I explained that it affects many parts of the body and I could have trouble walking and one day be in a wheelchair. They sat there looking at me with equally serious looks on their faces. When I was done with everything I knew that I thought they should know, my older son asked "are you going to die?" I calmly said "not from this, no" and got ready to explain that everyone dies but that this disease could do a lot of things but wouldn't actually kill me. However, I didn't get the chance...all he said after hearing "not from this, no" was "oh, okay" and he walked away to play, coaxing his younger brother along with him.
     So that was my first slap to reality. He's right. If it isn't going to mean I'll die from it, then it can't be that bad, right? As they say...from the mouths of babes.

The Dumbass Decade

Everyone who has teenagers or deals with teenagers on a regular basis always complains how they think they know everything and how it is hard to talk to them. This has been the case since the dawn of time. 

“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”

 Sound familiar? That's a quote from Socrates. So, see, it's nothing new. I have found that this is a purely physiological process, and I read an article that showed me I was right in my theory that everyone goes through about 10 years of being...well...a dumbass. Some people enter it at different ages and some leave it at different ages (some never leave it), but it is around the ages of 14 - 25. Here is the biological explanation that I have found. It helps me deal with people of this age and allow them their 10 years. Of course, after age 25 I have no patience for more of this behavior, what can I say?
     Around the age of 14, puberty hits. Hormones are running wild, boys start to grow facial hair, girls start to develop breasts, and they notice each other in ways they never did before. By 16 or so many of  them look like adults, so of course they feel like they are. Here in America, they can drive by the time they are 17 (depending on the state they live in), they finish school by 18 (other countries by 17), and society tells them they are adults when they are out of high school. At 18, they are viewed as adults and treated as adults. The problem is, the human brain hasn't finished developing yet. The last part of  the brain to develop is the rational, decision-making piece--it develops around the age of 25! This is why I think the peak of the dumbass decade is around 19. At 19 the feeling of being an adult has settled in and now they think they are "all that" if you know what I mean. All kinds of decisions are being made during these years without the ability to make decisions...aka DUMBASS.
     Around 20, hopefully, they start to feel the consequences of this behavior. Let me take a moment to say I feel that parents need to allow them to feel the consequences on their own if they hope for this to fade into the realm of kid behavior and have them grow to responsible adults. That's why I told my kids they had to live at college at least for the first year--so I wouldn't see the stupid things they do and wouldn't be tempted to help them fix it. I told them to call me if they do something so stupid they end up in jail or the hospital, otherwise I don't want to know about it.
     So, at 21, here in America, they can legally drink alcohol (not they didn't do it illegally before, but now no one can say they can't), if they go to college, they finish around 22, and now they start to realize they have to do something with their life. Since they still can't make rational decisions, they still may do things that seem dumb, but hopefully not too bad because hopefully they have to deal with what they do on their own. So the decade starts winding down as the rational part of the brain starts to develop and in a few years they should be done with this behavior. If they aren't, I feel that now the rest of us can tell them they aren't allowed to act like dumbasses any more.