Winter Blues

As the sky darkens, so does my mood. The clock says it's not much past noon yet I feel it must be close to midnight. The closer the storm, the further my energy goes and the closer I get to deep slumber. Snow they say, but it surely won't be a bright happy snow or else I would no doubt be wide-eyed as a child in anticipation. No, this storm threatens to bury me deep inside myself until the thaw releases me from my chilly seclusion. Oh Mother Nature, I wish I could escape the shackles you keep tightened around my emotions.

Calling in Tired

I wake up but not all of me. My mind is awake but my body remains in dreamland and won't respond to my wishes. I am aware of the alarm and force my hand to press snooze. The next time it goes on, my body joins me in the real world just enough to shut it off and then my head drops back to the pillow. My mind is threatening to join my body, but I have enough control to at least to think about taking a shower and getting my medication. I tell my body it is time for work and it must move and get up. I give it a little while to see how much can be accomplished. I am able to roll over, check the time, and grab my phone. I set the alarm for another few minutes of rest. The alarm goes off and my body still refuses to budge. It is now down to the wire...either I get up or I don't work. With all my strength, I am able to sit halfway up, but my body is so strong in its refusal to cooperate that I fall back down and my mind starts its way into dreamland. With my last drop of effort, I dial my boss's number and tell her I don't feel well. I don't remember if I hear the click of her hanging up before all of me slips all the way down into that other world of sleep. The next time I wake up, the day is more than half over, and I barely remember if I called in or not. I check my phone...no message from work, so I guess I did. I get up, drink some water, eat something, turn on the TV, and drop down again until nighttime. Then it's time for dinner, meds, and bed to start the cycle again and hope for a better go of it tomorrow.

Fatigue or Depression?

Fatigue is a sign of depression. Depression is a symptom of MS. Fatigue is a symptom of MS. Soooooo, how do I know if I'm tired because of my MS or because of depression? I suffer from both at various times and to various degrees, but are they related? Is it a cause and effect? I decided it doesn't matter. I will keep taking the antidepressants and keep treating fatigue the best I can, no matter why I'm tired. I drink energy tea, I take naps in the afternoon, and if it that doesn't help enough by late afternoon, I eat peanut butter or a granola bar or other such energy enhancing foods. Of course, none of this can help if I'm too tired to get up in the first place, which is often the main problem. But most days I can drag myself out of bed and get going pretty well to make it through the day. On days when I can't, I call in tired...I mean sick. But that is a topic for another day.